


contradictory

by bluebismuth



Series: Jonelias Week Prompts [3]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, Gen, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Transphobia, Sex Neutral/Repulsed Character, Sex and Masturbation Mentions, Trans Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26123158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebismuth/pseuds/bluebismuth
Summary: Jon has some baggage with his identity.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: Jonelias Week Prompts [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893688
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32
Collections: Jonelias Week 2020





	contradictory

**Author's Note:**

> day 3 fill for jonelias week! (queer identity + denial)
> 
> please note that while i am not asexual myself, i ran this by a couple of my ace friends to make sure that i wasn't being disrespectful. also, the word queer is used multiple times throughout this fic, so just a heads up on that

Jon was not exactly a...consistent person, at least in his eyes.

He felt strange about a lot of things. About his body, about who he likes (if anyone), how it all fits together into the cobbled mess that is his identity. All that he knows is that he’s not straight or cisgender—he tries to beat back the voice in his head that says he’s not normal.

His gender identity is a mess, for one. He knows full well that he’s not a woman, despite what his birth certificate might say, and being seen as a man feels much better, but it feels...incomplete. Like that’s not all there is to it. He knows that nonbinary people exist; Georgie knew a couple in their uni days, but Jon didn’t feel like he was fully outside of the binary. More like...he had a foot outside of it and the rest was male.

It’s that foot outside that gives him grief, though. Logically, he knows that it’s ridiculous to feel nervous about wanting to wear skirts or dresses, or wear makeup, or paint his nails sometimes. But that sinking feeling—dysphoria, he’s pretty sure is what it’s called—tells him that he’ll never be recognized as a man if he does that, that he’ll doom himself to womanhood if he even tries on a skirt once. 

And that’s not even _getting_ into his sexuality—or lack thereof, and it only adds to the contradictory, horrible mess he’s made out of. Jon had never really been interested in sex in the first place. Whenever it got described to him, he just saw it as a sweaty, uncomfortable time, all for something that could be taken care of alone. He still got those...urges? To masturbate, but he never really thought about anyone. He just cared about getting himself off so he could move on and stop being distracted. He’d tried to have sex with Georgie at one point, but it was just as unpleasant as he thought it would be, and they had to stop about halfway through. And even though she insisted that it was fine, that they didn’t have to have sex and that she had the toys to take care of herself, but it didn’t stop Jon from feeling like he was inadequate in their relationship. He still wasn’t sure if that had been a factor in their breakup or not. 

He still _wanted_ a relationship, though, just...not with the sex part. He could do kissing and cuddling so long as it didn’t turn into sex, and the idea of just _being_ with someone and being in love with them was _nice._ But his aversion to sex and his want to be in a relationship felt contradictory, just like the rest of him. He felt like a child who only cared about puppy love and not much else besides that, something immature that he would have to grow out of sooner or later. 

Jon sighed, hanging his head as he stared down at his desk. He knew he should probably talk to someone about this, but _who?_ He didn’t know very many people outside of the Archives, and Tim was really the only one who he knew was _probably_ not straight—he didn’t want to make assumptions. But even then, he didn’t really know if Tim would comfort him or tease him about the mess that he was made out of, and regardless of whether or not it was needed, he _really_ didn’t want to hear whatever teasing would come out of his mouth.

He racked his brain, trying to think of who else he knew who could possibly help him. He didn’t want to contact Georgie and dump his problems on her, Tim was already out, he wasn’t sure if Sasha was queer, and though he had a feeling about Martin, he had been _way_ too rude to him recently to suddenly go to him asking about his sexuality hang-ups.

He remembered something, though. Two things, specifically. He remembered that Elias wore a wedding ring, a simple golden thing that glinted whenever he moved his left hand, and he remembered him mentioning a _husband_ in those rare moments when his personal life came up.

God, was he _really_ going to his boss for advice about his identity? Jon dragged his hands over his face. 

Well. It wasn’t like he had many other options.

“Elias? Can I talk to you about something more...personal?”

Elias’s voice sounded oddly cheery when he heard Jon. “Of course, come in.” 

Once Jon sat down and took a deep breath, he told Elias. All his hang-ups with his gender, all the issues he had with sex and how those conflicted with his...personal matters (for all that he was unloading on Elias, he still couldn’t bring himself to say outright that he masturbated), and how he felt like he couldn’t have a good relationship with those oddities.

“Oh, Jon,” Elias said, once he had finished and his head was hanging again. “If...you would like to answer, why did you ask me about this?”

“I…” Jon bit his lip. “I...don’t really know? You just. I know you’ve mentioned having a husband before, so I figured...you would understand a little bit.”

He hummed in reply. “Well...I will admit, I’ve been lucky in that I’ve had a lot of time to think about my sexuality, and that I haven’t dwelled on it much. But I can promise you, I am a rare case. There are many more people like you who have hang-ups about being queer. A symptom of the society we live in, I suppose.”

Jon nodded. “But...how many of those people are like me? If there’s even anyone like me…”

“People are messy, Jon. There are so many people who have identities that are much more esoteric than how you might identify, but you wouldn’t say that invalidates _their_ experiences, right?”

“O-Of course not.”

“Then I don’t see why you should be doubting yourself.” Elias closed his eyes, clasping his hands together. “Would you like my opinion on some labels that might fit you? You don’t have to use them, but they might give you an idea of putting words to your situation.”

_“Please,”_ Jon replied immediately. He knew he could very well just go with “queer,” and he didn’t have any hang-ups about the word, but...he wanted to know exactly what was going on with him. Queer was good if he needed to explain quickly, but he wanted to know for himself.

“Alright, then. I’m sure it’s not much of a surprise that you’re transmasculine, correct?” Jon nods—he knows he’s heard that word, knows that it means he’s not cis nor a woman. “And you described your gender to me as mostly male, but partially nonbinary?” He nods again. “I’d look at identities that fall under that transmasculine umbrella. Like I said, I can’t say that one label is yours and that you have to abide by it. I don’t rule your life _that_ much.”

Jon laughed slightly, and made a mental note to look up transmasculine later. If he remembered, at least.

“And you said you don’t really feel like having sex with people, despite, ah...having a libido?” Jon flushed, but he nodded. “And you said you still want a romantic relationship?” He nodded again. “The closest term I can think of for that is asexual.”

He’s heard of that too, but… “Isn’t that for people who don’t have a libido at all? Or at least don’t like...dealing with it?”

“It can be, but all that’s required is that you don’t experience sexual attraction. Have you ever looked at someone and thought about having sex with them, purely because you think they’re sexually attractive?”

“N-No, why?” If anything, that would feel _invasive._ Someone thinking about him like...like _that_ wouldn’t feel good. He knows he can’t stop it, he can’t exactly control people’s thoughts, but it’s still...odd. He sighed, feeling lucky that he couldn’t read minds. “That’s normal, isn’t it? I’m still broken and messy, then…”

“Jon.” Elias reaches out a hand, just shy of touching one of Jon’s. “Listen to me. There have been people like you around as long as there have been people like me around. They just didn’t have the words for it. And just because there are more people that experience sexual attraction, that doesn’t necessarily make it normal, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you’re broken for not having it. You are still a whole person.”

It took everything Jon had to not start crying right then and there, and he grasps Elias’s hand before he looks down again. Elias sighed, though there was a clear fondness in it. “If you need some more time to figure things out, I can email you a list of some queer organizations here in London.” Jon nodded, and he hummed. “Take all the time you need, Jon.”

Jon shuddered and wiped at his eyes quickly, even though he was sure there were still tear stains on his face. “I...I-I’d like that. I think I’m going to go back to work now, though.”

“Alright. I’ll send that email sometime after work tonight.” Jon nodded and, after getting up from the armchair, left the room. Once it was closed behind him, he let out a long, choked up sigh of relief.


End file.
